A story of God’s love: Winning the battle to enter a US doctoral program

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good, acceptable, and perfect.” — Romans 12:2 

Full disclosure: this is a lengthy post I started writing from May 2020 intermittently & iteratively only to finish it early August 2020, through an awareness of intersectionality of my multiple identities as a woman, a development practitioner & researcher, a Christian, an Indonesian, and a daughter. Indeed, I have been mulling over the issue of identity. While many of my female Muslim friends can express their belief through a hijab, why don’t I express mine through a writing?

For a personal purpose, this is me trying to understand something I am going through by writing about it, and this time I want to share a story about God’s love and provision through the battle that I underwent to reach where I am now. So that on the future days when I get bogged down in my PhD studies or I question what the heck I am doing, I will reread this post and remember how bad I wanted it so as to see the PhD grind as a blessing: a dream comes true, a prayer answered.

For a more selfless reason, I hope by reading this post you would find a newfound hope to be led by your dreams and not by your fears, to trust the process and work hard (because your faith won’t discount your work), to remember behind those happy posts people show on social media there was sweating blood and vulnerability they did not show, and finally to taste how great it feels to have the possibility of having your dreams come true. For me, one of the BEST feelings in the world is when you reach where you are going, and you look back you’d realise that it’s by God’s grace through faith with your hard work and the love from the people who support & believe in you that put you there.

When I graduated from Institute of Development Studies (IDS), University of Sussex in January 2015, I did not see a doctoral or PhD program as something in the cards, although I did not utterly rule it out either. In hindsight, it amuses me how God can change one’s heart so easily when one fully trusts in and submits to God. Four years later, starting January 2019 I found myself striving for applying PhD in International Development at School of Advanced International Studies (SAIS), Johns Hopkins University.

Testing the motivation

I have observed that development issues are just intricate and having a PhD title solely won’t guarantee you the ability to solve them. For the past five years, I encountered people asking me if a PhD was something on the horizon, I would usually answer: “I will need a stronger motive to do that and I don’t have it now. I don’t want to do PhD just because I don’t know what to do with my life. It is not like a Plan B. It is a huge commitment.”

Yes, a PhD is not for everyone. There are many development organisations that won’t see a PhD as an additional value.  And a PhD is too priceless to be just tailored to job considerations and potential income as highlighted in this blog that discusses PhD in the context of international development: The PhD is a theoretical endeavour that goes against any project cycle, development time-frame and beyond any organisational management issue there may be. That’s the beauty of doing a PhD — but that’s also the problem in the area of international development.

When I first dived into development field as a project coordinator to help address malnutrition in Palu, Sulawesi, Indonesia 2012-2014, it was challenging to get government on board from village to district level to catalyse multi-sectoral coordination. Nutrition was not a compelling issue then and it was hard to make the case for investing in nutrition because the returns to such an investment and the immediate impacts are not tangible! Today, I have to pinch myself that everyone (from President, Minister of Finance, to village heads) talks about stunting as a political priority! Despite poverty rate has been halved here over the past 20 years, one in three Indonesian under-five children is stunted.

Having engaged in development in various sectors from a grass-root level with an international NGO, an international research institute, a local NGO, and recently a donor agency, I contemplated a lot about my journey sometime in November and December 2018. When it comes to development field, I realise I could not settle in the dichotomy of research and program operation / policy work. While research gives me the immeasurable joy of learning and feeds my intellectual curiosity & my love for writing, program operation / policy work enables me to embrace the complexities of translating evidence into policy & practice and to feel immediate gratification: when there is a policy change or a fulfillment of some program outcomes, I find it more rewarding and impactful than I would when seeing my names published as (I feel) I contribute to making a tangible difference. Maybe I should be more humble in acknowledging that everyone has their own share of the pie in development to complement each other’s work. But should I really choose between being a researcher or a practitioner, or can I do both? I then thought it would be the right time to make sense of what I have been doing over the past seven years in the nexus between malnutrition, poverty, and inequality and to sharpen my area of expertise: I want to follow up my MA dissertation on the political economy of nutrition through doing a doctorate.

It all comes back to passion that drives you to undertake PhD-level research in your field that you are willing to spend four to six years on it. Since late 2018, I had put this in my prayers: God, please test what is true in my heart desire to do a PhD.

The search for the right supervisor & the right school

It was in January 2019 I reached out to a couple of people I am fortunate to call “mentors” or “sounding boards” and consulted with them about my aspiration to do a PhD on the political economy of nutrition. One of them is my Australian undergrad thesis supervisor: Prof. Colin Brown with whom I tested my desire to do a PhD. I was lucky to have him as my undergraduate thesis supervisor during his lecturer-exchange program at Universitas Katolik Parahyangan, Bandung, Indonesia, and even luckier to still be closely in touch with him and having him as a sounding board today.

As a woman in entering 30s that time with many of her peers have gotten married and built a family, an insecurity once crept in: will PhD put my life in those departments on hold as an opportunity cost? I still want to be a mother someday, and experience how challenging and fulfilling exclusive breastfeeding is — the topic I have advocated since 2012. One day when Colin and I caught up over a breakfast (buffet!) when he made a visit to Jakarta, he told me: “Marriage, PhD and family don’t have to come in a special order. Each is not a subsequent to the other.”

Life is funny that God then exposed me with interesting cases from those around me: I know a friend who became a mother while she was doing a PhD and another friend who got divorced during her PhD studies. This shows that for women especially from an Asian country like Indonesia where marriage and motherhood are perceived as a lifetime achievement and a socially-constructed condition to validate a woman status, one must not worry to commit to do PhD because marriage and motherhood would just happen when it happens. The absence of marriage or motherhood does not make one less as a woman. As written in my earlier reflection post 30 Lessons Before 30, the moment I make peace with my insecurities is the point I feel fearless to exercise my free will.

But Colin also contested my aspiration with the hard yet right questions: “Do you have a strong sense of intellectual curiosity about the topic area you want to research? Do you have that thirst for knowledge, that passion to undertake PhD-level research in your field?”

One Sussex PhD alumnus gave me advice on looking for the right PhD opportunities that I should share here:

1. It is not so much about what area you want to do research in, but what is your research question? The idea of course is to do some innovative work.

2. It is not so much about what institution you want to study at, but who do you want to study under? 

Through some research, and some insightful advice from a former lecturer slash mentor in the UK, I landed to this Professor whose expertise in marrying political science with global health issue would match with my research interests: Prof. Jeremy Shiffman. I remember I wrote an introductory email to him one day in January 2019. I jumped out of my skin when he replied within 24 hours and offered me to have a Skype call the following week!

The mind map I prepared for the call.

We spoke for an hour, I introduced myself in the first 5 minutes and presented (and tested) my research ideas (I had prepared some cheat sheets on my desk only to find out he used video call… so I did not check on it during the talk as my eyes glued to the screen!), and he asked me one question: “Kenapa kamu mau PhD?” (he can still speak Indonesian as he did his PhD on Indonesia), which means  why do you want to do PhD? The question came as no surprise, and I had prepared a mind-map of this very anticipated question! I would have dropped my jaw to the floor and punched the air when he said “I think you’re right, our research interests are very well aligned. I think you would be an excellent candidate to come do a doctorate with me here at Johns Hopkins SAIS. I will be happy to be your supervisor.” but since we used a video call, I had to keep my cool in front of him.

Since that talk, the long battle to get into my desired PhD program officially commenced. Since that talk, I said this line in my prayers: God, please test what is true in my heart desire to do a PhD at Johns Hopkins SAIS under Prof. JS. 

The next months were devoted to prepare for this very PhD application to meet all prerequisites by December 15, 2019. In this blog I want to flesh out three particular conditions as follows.

1. a personal statement and reference letters

2. a writing sample: a sole-authored paper

3. a GRE test score

A personal statement and three reference letters

Many may overlook the significance of these very conditions when applying for a grad school. It took me two months to finish the 500-word personal statement. I first asked Colin to check if it makes sense, since he must have been experienced to read so many personal statements from many students, and I asked a favour from my supervisor at DFAT (he was super supportive) to review and proofread it.

For reference letters, many would mistake them as letters from powerful people, thinking that the higher status of a referee, the stronger your reference letter will be. It is not always the case. I mean, when I was 22 years old, I was asked by a friend who worked together with me at the university to be one of his referees to write a reference letter for his job application at a foreign Embassy in Jakarta (btw, he got the job). For the PhD application, in my experience you would need reference letters from the very people who can attest to your quality and performance professionally and personally. That means, they will not only discuss you as a promising PhD candidate, but also you as a person.

Blessings are not always about material things. Blessings are also encounters with the right people in your life who can lead to meaningful relationships that make you grow. I think at times we naturally just outgrow some relationships and make space for the right people to come in. In this context, I am forever blessed to still be in touch with these people that I  deeply respect & look up to, while at the same time believe in me, challenge my ideas, and encourage me to strive for excellence — these are my kind of referees. These people have inspired me that leadership also means developing others.

A writing sample

I browsed through my folders and I just realised the last time I wrote a paper on my own was during my study at IDS, Sussex — in 2014! I could have sent one of my papers there but I wanted to make a new paper. Then there was this magical twist of fate moment when my Australian friend forwarded an email on a call for abstracts for Research for Development Impact Network (RDI) conference 2019 at La Trobe University in Melbourne. I gave my absolutely best shot to submit my abstract, adopting the very framework developed by that Professor I wanted to study under for my desired PhD program. Thank God it got through, so did my scholarship application to attend the conference in June 2019.

I had to set aside time after work hours to write that paper, between May-June 2019. Although exhausted and robbed of my social time after hours and at weekends, I was enjoying the process as it had been a while since I wrote an academic paper! I realised how much I had missed research. I was grateful for the immense support from my DFAT team who saw this a personal capacity development opportunity, allowing me to fly to Melbourne in my personal capacity without cutting my annual leave (it required approval of Australian Deputy Ambassador to Indonesia to let a locally-engaged staff fly abroad on business trips).

Happy to present my sole-authored paper at RDI 2019, La Trobe University, Melbourne.

The RDI 2019 Conference went well and I had the opportunity to share some reflections from Indonesia there. It was a rewarding experience (and a nice break to enjoy autumn in the world’s most liveable city). Thankfully the paper was later published in a peer-reviewed Development Bulletin, No. 81 November 2019, page 67-71. It’s an honour for me to mainstream this political economy of nutrition issues from a leadership angle in broader development issue.

GRE test score(s)

This was literally the most demanding and arduous thing to prepare for the grad school in the US, no kidding. I never had any experience with the four-hour GRE test composed of: Writing, Verbal Reasoning, and Quantitative Reasoning. The GRE grind turned out to be even more exacting than the preparation for the UN Young Professional Program examination in Geneva back in 2015!

I think it is a bloody intense test of one’s focus, stamina, and mentality: when one’s stress level is faced against the performance stability. From a bigger picture perspective, this whole standardized test is perpetuated by a monopoly of capitalist money-making machinery company whose license to authorize GRE tests worldwide sets such an adaptive test that if one can do the first section well, the second section will be harder so that one is more prone to make mistakes, therefore retake the test (paying another $205). The silver lining of the onerous preparation processes of GRE tests was that I got to build my mental toughness, perseverance, tenacity, consistency and self-discipline, which (I believe) would come in handy for the PhD studies.

I was lucky and privileged to be living in Jakarta, a capital city where I could get an access to in-class courses of GRE preparation. It made me think how prohibitive this test is for people who are less fortunate than I am who aim to do grad school: what if I don’t live in the capital city, or I don’t have enough resources to study for and sit the test?

I attended the GRE course Mondays and Wednesdays 19.00-22.00 (after finishing with my work around 17.30), and Saturdays 11.00-14.00. In the first weeks getting myself familiar with GRE questions, the GRE stimulation scores did affect my mental well-being in a way that brought my self-esteem down.

I thought to myself: I feel so stupid. I can’t solve these geometry, permutation and algebra problems — I haven’t brushed up those rusty things since 2006 at high-school! I don’t even know what those vocabularies perspicacious, obsequious, loquacious, callous, torpidity, lackadaisical mean and how to memorise hundreds of them all. Maybe I should just apply for other PhD programs that won’t need a GRE test score? Or do I really want to do PhD at all? 

I was haunted by self-doubt. If you knew me well enough then, you would have known how drab, enervated, listless and anti-social I had been for most months of 2019 to prepare for the GRE test, and other important documents such as a personal statement and my dissertation proposal.

I continued praying: God please test what is true in my heart desire to do a PhD, is this really in line with Your will in my life? It is very difficult even just to apply! Make your path known to me, and give me the strength to follow it. 

My GRE study plan.

God’s provision of love came through the people that emotionally helped keep up my spirits and technically helped me with tackling GRE problems. A good friend in Canberra reminded me of our fight song during our early development career days in Palu: Can’t Give Up Now when I cried over a phone call and questioned what I was doing. I met with some people who had experience in GRE test who lent me GRE practice test books, who helped study together at weekends, and who supported each other. I made my study plan, updated it continually, and tried my best to stick to it. GRE preparation was one of the highlights of my 2019, besides my birthday summer trip to the US where I also visited the desired campus. I also signed up for an online GRE preparation course. I had to take the GRE test twice. Anecdotal evidence says that if you wish a 5 point increase for each Verbal and Quantitative section, you need to invest 80 hours and 160 hours for a 10 point increase.

I kept telling myself: I don’t need perfection, I need progress. 

I disappeared from social media activities that could be time-consuming, carving out any possible pockets of time I could get after my work. Looking back, it’s true GRE preparation had robbed me of my social life, but it also filtered the people in my life for the right people would want me to grow and support me even if that means I can’t spend time with them. My late father was one of them.

I brought GRE books in the hospital room where I stayed for some nights to accompany him during his hospitalisation, doing some Quantitative Reasoning practice tests there. When he regained his health he would send motivating WhatsApp messages to remind me to focus on my goal and take rest as necessary.

December 6, 2019: My dad and I on the way to the hospital, I didn’t show him I was very scared.

The period of October-December 2019 was an exceptionally rough time because my father’s kidney failure got worsened and I frequently traveled to Purwakarta (2 hours away from Jakarta) to spend time with him and let him feel my love as often as I could. I was not happy with my first and second GRE test scores but I did not have the luxury of time to take another test. I ended up submitting two of my GRE test scores, with the faith that SAIS Johns Hopkins will see other qualities in me beyond these scores. On December 5, 2019, after taking my father to see a doctor in Jakarta (which turned out to be his last time to visit Jakarta), I finally submitted my PhD application. I took days off from work to be there for my father in my hometown Purwakarta. I remember how this man who had been such a big fighter throughout his life looked so small on that bed in the Emergency Room at the hospital, when he told me: “I do not have wealth, but I have great children”, weakly lifting his thumb up.

Two weeks later on December 23, 2019 my father passed.

2019 was a particular year full of perseverance, hope, and inspiration for me. It’s been uneasy to experience bereavement that I still ache for my father today, but I believe in the healing power in grieving. My father was my loudest cheerleader. He taught me to finish strong in anything I started, including my PhD application during those rough months October-December 2019. I did not have any headspace to look for alternative schools then.

That was my first and only shot of a PhD application.

The result: part 1 

“Although the committee was impressed with your credentials, we are unable to offer you admission at this time. With your approval, we would like to keep your application active on our wait list.” Those two lines sum up the letter I received in April 10, 2020. My heart broke. But then I don’t know what to expect from here: being in the wait list can’t be more uncertain as I was not offered a place but it was not a rejection either?

Some part of me accepted this outcome though: finishing the preparation and submitting the application during the difficult times when my father’s health deteriorated was an achievement on itself. Reaching the final stage was enough reason to celebrate, given they would usually take 6-10 PhD candidates annually at SAIS Johns Hopkins out of God-knows how many applicants from all around the world.

But some part of me felt embarrassed and self-conscious: would I disappoint those who believe in me, whose love & support has strengthened me throughout the processes? I shared the news with them, including my referees, my supervisor at DFAT, and the Professor I want to work with, to seek more perspectives on this.

The responses were surprisingly eclectic.

Some good friends strengthened me in hope. Some shared their own experiences to be on the waitlist before they got accepted into their respective Master’s program in the UK. An American friend told me: “You’re on the wait list of Johns Hopkins, if you were on the wait list of University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee then I’d probably doubt your qualifications.”

“You did very well and one never fully knows how decisions are made.”

“Take heart, that you were very very close — close enough to be on the wait list for one of the most prestigious universities in the world! Rest assured, you will get there soon, don’t give up!”

“There is a useful saying attributed to Voltaire: Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good. For you SAIS JHU may be perfect; but many other institutions would be good. So start now the process of evaluating other places, and applying to them and to funding institutions.”

“I think it’s very positive that you were put on the wait list. It’s super-competitive and my guess is they only have a few candidates on the wait list.”

I also informed the Professor I want to study under. To my surprise, he said I should be proud to have been a finalist, and to be put on the waitlist as there were simply many more applicants than spots. Yet, he told me not to lose hope “who knows what might happen!”. He was on board with my back-up plan that we could talk at a later stage about other Professors who share my interests at other institutions I might apply to, so as to maximise my chances of being admitted to a doctoral program. That email left a wide calm smile in my face. I was humbled by his kindness and care about a perfect stranger like me. True, there is a saying on PhD advisors: don’t look for the most brilliant advisor. Look for the person who is kind, who mentors you, who lifts you up. Also, kind folks after all are usually the most brilliant. 

Of course seeking wisdom from other people whose opinions you trust is one thing, and coming back to God and talking it through was my coping mechanism to deal with the uncertainty. For two good weeks I prayed: God, if You want me to get through this wait list, You can do that and let me get in with just one more step. If You don’t want to, I’ll be happy to heed Your direction for my next steps. Please test if my desire to do this PhD is aligned with Your will in my life.  

There is a song by Lauren Daigle, Trust In You that has been one of my national anthems since 2019 — it did strengthen me to get through a hard time in affliction where my dad was severely ill. It still reminds me to be still in God even at time of uncertainty such as being on the wait list.

Trust in God = trust in God’s timing = trust the process = surrender.

So from then on I prepared myself for whatever it would pan out. If I did not make it, I would try again for 2021 intake and this time with some back-up school plans so as not to “let perfect be the enemy of good”.If I made it, I would forever see it as a blessing and I would not discount the fact I was on the wait list. True, Michelle Obama also squeaked in off the wait list when she entered Harvard Law School.

The result: part 2

One morning, in April 28, 2020 an email push-notification from my phone jolted me out of my bed, literally. “Dear Deviana, good news — an internally funded spot has opened up for you! You’ll be receiving an official notification soon. Could you let me know ASAP if you’re still interested? We have a long waitlist and will move on down if you’re no longer considering SAIS.” That email stunned me. I was either too busy parsing each line there, or bringing all my consciousness from my sleep to my normal awake state. I talked to God still in my bed: Wow God, what happens now? Is it real? Your ways are always higher. Your plans are always good. Thank you, Lord!

I confirmed I would still take the offer (obviously!). I then received the formal offer letter — not only an acceptance but also a full-ride scholarship from the Johns Hopkins SAIS. I was in tears clothed with joy, gratitude, and surreality. I remember I was awake until 5 am the next day in April 29, 2020 as I was still processing this life-changing news. I overlooked the figures until a dear friend PhD graduate from Oxford University pointed out how her mind was blown by how expensive the PhD tuition is in the US when she read my offer letter.

As an Indonesian woman at her 30 that sometimes was haunted by the absence of any assets (house, apartment, or car) as many of her peers — especially the married ones — have owned, this fellowship that covers four full years of tuition and stipend is clearly an enormous blessing beyond belief. In the absence of non-labour incomes, I can’t imagine how many years I should work until I can afford it. I mean, they have chosen to invest in me.

Human capital is all I have now.

On a video call with my parents when I was in Washington DC, July 2019 about to visit SAIS campus. I wish dad was there when I called my mom the day I found out about my final PhD application outcome, celebrating in joyful tears how our prayer was answered this time.

It was the hope of my parents who never went to university, not even high-school, but worked hard & wished that one day their kids can get good education and have opportunities they never dreamed of. I aspire to be an evidence-based champion of efforts who breaks the vicious cycle of poverty, malnutrition, and inequality of opportunities (which in Indonesia per se accounts for 1/3 of all inequalities). 

I felt like God trained my faith and my humility during the waiting period. It would not have felt the same if I got in at the first round. After surviving the uncertain waiting period, I have been grateful for and even humbled by this incredible opportunity slash blessing.

An enormous blessing comes with enormous responsibility. There was not enough room for complacency though. Only a few weeks after that wonderful news, I found myself committed to a pre-term course Online Principles of Economics (OPE) from May 18 to August 6 to equip prospective students without prior extensive Economics background. I will undertake courses that include four mandatory Economics series as part of my PhD studies in International Development: Microeconomics, Macroeconomics, International Trade Theory, and International Monetary Theory.

Indeed, the American PhD system is particularly different from the systems in other countries. During the pre-dissertation stage in the first two until three years, PhD candidates would engage in classes and must pass the infamous Comprehensive Exams or what they call “Comps” — I was told one Comp equals to a six-hour test! One would get into the dissertation project in the third or fourth year, making a typical PhD student finish the whole thing in five years’ time in average.

My desk situation for the past 12 weeks where I had to do a weekly test, two final exams, one final essay. In hindsight, I’m actually grateful to be “forced” to learn Economics 101, helping me make sense of what’s going on in the world today due to COVID-19: stagflation, austerity, the unemployment-inflation trade off, quantitative easing, etc. Perhaps Philipps Curve is my fave curve to date. It sounds pathetic to have a fave curve, I know.

Using one’s leisure to study doesn’t sound like a desirable idea, it in fact was demanding. For the past 11 weeks, I was juggling a full-time job with that OPE pre-term: working in the daytime, and studying at nights and at weekends Yet, strangely a sense of making progress (from a baseline of 0!) that I’ve gained from this learning activity makes me happy although it is not without stress or boredom. Maybe it is true that happiness is not to have work without fatigue, but to find hope in battles. Happiness is to start strong, stay strong, and finish strong.

What’s next? Faith and into the unknown 

Every Sunday my late dad would text me a reminder to go to church, not to fulfill a ritual, but to help revive and strengthen my faith. He once texted me: “I believe in things not seen. What can be seen is only temporary, like fog that soon fades. But things we can’t see will last forever.” He loved quoting a passage from the Book of Hebrews 11:1: Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. 

By faith Abraham obeyed, not knowing where he was going, when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance.

By faith, Moses left Egypt, unafraid of the anger of the king, and the people crossed the Red Sea as on dry land. And by faith too, through God’s grace & mercy strengthening my fighting dragons, and moving mountains, I am entering into what Elsa in Frozen 2 sings “Into the Unknoooown” and what many has flagged as a lonely, challenging and fulfilling journey: the doctoral program.

I am grateful to start the PhD journey in International Development at SAIS, Johns Hopkins University with the wonderful experts I cannot wait to learn from & work with: Jeremy Shiffman as my supervisor and Jessica Fanzo another Professor whose expertise matches with my passion in nutrition! I made a visit to SAIS campus in DC when I was in the US for a summer holiday 2019, I thought out loud then: I hope to come back here as a student, not as a visitor. And yes, I will!

Behind a great blessing, there is a great responsibility & trade-off. I need to give up my full-time permanent job with DFAT, Australian Embassy Jakarta by end of July 2020, to be a full-time PhD student starting September 2020. This was a difficult decision, especially in today’s challenging situation where a job security is a luxury, if not a privilege.

At the end of the day, we do what is right, not what is easy. I gave up my permanent employment even when I will start the PhD program online from Indonesia throughout Fall 2020 term during this covid-19 pandemic. My priority has now shifted to ensure I am well-equipped to enter the PhD journey, and starting this August I will take pre-term tutorial classes on Pre-Calculus and Calculus. When September comes, I will take following classes:

1. Theories & Methods of Qualitative Political Research

2. Microeconomics

3. Statistical Methods for Business & Economics

4. International Development Proseminar

5. Pre-Dissertation Comprehensive Preparation

I have so many mixed feels:

1. thrilled to enter a new stage of my journey that will change my life personally and professionally — as written in one email from a Professor of a class I will take:

“Creating your dissertation will be an unfamiliar experience and a personal trial, harder than anything you’ve ever done. But you will grow as never before.”

1. sad to leave my team, my work, and the job security;

2. anxious live without incomes until I get more clarity from the university regarding my PhD stipend payments — normally the stipend would be released when the students arrive in Washington DC, but hopefully there will be a special policy as we are currently not operating in the normalcy.

3. curious to undertake PhD-level online courses from Jakarta that may mess my circadian system as I will follow the DC time which is 12 hours behind Jakarta and to connect with the other 7 fellow PhD candidates in my “class of 2020” cohort.

Today I am still keeping my eye on when the US Consulate will re-open so I can apply for a student visa, hoping for the conditions in the US will get better. I still don’t know when I will move to Washington DC, but that’s the kind of uncertainty I’m happy to get on board with.

The funny thing about faith, it does not discount your problems. Yet, faith gives you the courage to face the problems, and the confidence to be engaged in the process even if it is uncomfortable & uncertain, knowing that God is always with us.

Faith does not discount your work either. We cannot just have faith and wish everything will pan out well on its own without wilful efforts from our end. In fact, faith without work is dead.

This will be hard and holy work.

Jesus, I trust in You. I hope I can start strong and stay strong throughout the process even when the newness wears off. I hope this journey will help me to be a better person that can see every struggle as an opportunity to grow. Let my life be the salt and the light as You wish. Amen.

DWD

PS: One day my mom and I went to a supermarket in my hometown Purwakarta and bumped into my mom’s friend who asked her: “Oh this is your daughter? She’s grown up! Is she married?”. My mom calmly answered: “Not yet, and she is pursuing PhD.”